True Colors
by liathum
Summary: An insight to what Dave might be feeling about coming to grips with his own sexuality.  A character piece, really.  Let's just step inside his head for a moment. T for some mild bad language.


I don't own them. I don't even really want them. I'm just stepping inside the mind of a character who...resonates...with something similar that I had gone through.

No pairing, really. No romance. Just...feelings, or confusion.

Not beta'd. Not going to be, unless someone offers. :P

First story in a looooong time. Go easy. This deals with some adult themes, like coming to grips with your sexuality but not having a happy ending with it. Or rather, not having a popular ending with it. Everything isn't going to be alright with someone who doesn't know what they're feeling, no matter how hard they try to pretend it is. They still feel it.

The story is complete, I doubt I'll continue it. Nothing really to continue, but who knows.

If I forgot anything, I'm sorry. But enjoy! :)

Sorry about the formatting...I can't seem to get it just right. I feel like a bit of a moron.

Oh, True Colors was sung by Cyndi Lauper. It helps if you youtube the song and listen to it while reading. It makes the fic happier. :P

_You with the sad eyes.._

_Don't be discouraged._

_Oh, I realize_

_It's hard to take courage_

_In a world full of people_

_You can lose sight of it all_

_And the darkness inside you_

_Can make you feel so small..._

Things aren't going to be alright. He'd been an idiot. Bullying and pushing Hummel around had only proven just how desperate things had gotten. He could hardly recognize himself anymore. Sure, he looked the same. Walked the same. Talked the same. But he was different. So very different. And it took so very long to admit it to himself. And even that was done in the privacy of the bathroom, staring at the mirror, waiting for something, anything, to change at the admission. Nothing did of course, but he still felt different. Not better, not worse, but different.

After the kiss-that-wasn't-a-kiss, he'd lost all control. He'd thought, afterwards, that maybe he wasn't really...because why would he be? After all, lips are lips are lips, it didn't matter what or who they were attached to. He'd thought there'd be some kind of spark, some kind of bang, some kind of _something._ But all he felt was skin against skin.

He'd thought, belatedly, that by being that close to Hummel he would be able to pretend that it was just another girl, because when one closed their eyes, in the end it was just that, skin against skin. Lips against lips. Body against body. But there was no body, between him and Hummel it was just lips against lips, skin against skin. It didn't feel any different than kissing a girl, he had imagined his first kiss to have _something_ but that something just wasn't there.

So why did the sight of him make him lose all control?

_Why_ did he react so forcefully? Why couldn't he get the taste of watermelon lip gloss off his lips? Why did everything he do remind him of Hummel?

After that kiss-that-wasn't-a-kiss, he had run as far as he could, as fast as he could. Those traitorous words whispering, speaking, yelling, _screaming_, oh so loudly in his brain. He couldn't admit it, not then, not in the middle of the road, no, for something that was so immensely private, _personal_, he would have to be home.

His parents weren't home. The house was empty, as was usual around that time. As he unlocked the door and entered the foyer, his eyes landed on a picture of himself at age eight holding a fish he had caught, his father had been so proud at the time.

Did he know then? Were there any clues in the way he had acted growing up? He didn't remember ever wanting to dress in women's clothing, never thought about marrying any of the teenage idols he saw on television while growing up, his only thoughts were focused on sports and making his family proud.

But they weren't proud of him now. And when they found out that he was...well, he wouldn't ever see the pride in his family's eyes. No matter how accepting, how open minded his parents could be, there was no pride in being...what he was. If he was. Was he?

He made his way to the bathroom on the first floor, throwing his backpack at the edge of the hallway. He turned the faucet on and stared in the mirror.

_But I see your true colors_

_Shining through_

_I see your true colors_

_And that's why I love you_

_So don't be afraid to let them show_

_Your true colors_

_True colors are beautiful..._

_Like a rainbow._

He saw himself. He looked the same. Nothing had changed, despite the kiss. It was definitely a kiss. And he had wanted seconds. Like an eager five year old asking for a second chocolate, he had gone in and was immediately denied, chastised, told in no uncertain terms that there wouldn't be a second time.

He saw himself. At eight eight. Fishing with his father at one of the Great Lakes, Eerie or Michigan, he couldn't remember. He remembered being afraid of hurting the bait when putting it on the hook, remembered asking his father to do it for him. _Was that when it started?_ His father had said to man up, they were just fish.

He saw himself. For the first time. He was barely recognizable even though he was exactly the same. He'd been fighting this for a long time, knowing unconsciously that it was a losing battle. Suddenly the tears came and he banged his hands on the edge of the counter. The sharp pain barely bringing him back to the present. He felt like so many different people, all jumbled together, not knowing, never knowing, if he was right, wrong, unnatural, correct, something, some_one_ to be proud of. Was he...

He couldn't even say it, in his own mind. Was it fear? Hatred? Would admitting it to himself somehow let everyone else know? Would he be able to keep it a secret if he..just..said_ the words?_

_I. Am. Gay. A homosexual. A faggot. A cock sucker. A dick licker. A...pervert. I hate myself, why am I trying? No one could ever, this would be the end, no one, _no one_, could ever know. Ever. That I am gay._

He'd done it. He admitted it to himself. He, Dave Karofsky, was really a full fledged homo. He knew it, he'd always known it. Yet somehow, he'd thought admitting it would tear at him, cause more pain than denying it. He'd thought by pushing it far, far away he'd be able to pretend it wasn't there, that part of him. He didn't feel any different, physically. He still felt tired, his eyes still burned, he was still incredibly confused. He knew he wanted Hummel. He knew that Finn was attractive in his own right. He knew that nothing had really changed.

_Show me a smile then_

_Don't be unhappy, can't remember when I last_

_Saw you laughing._

_If this world makes you crazy,_

_And you've taken all you can bear._

_You call me up,_

_Because you know I'll be there._

He knew he could only rely on himself. He knew that. He knew he could never tell anyone. Hummel knew, suspected, whatever. He knew he'd have to keep it as secret as he could, for as long as he could. He was gay. _I'm gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. A homosexual. _He wasn't sure he had the courage to say it out loud, where anyone could overhear. Even if he were in the bathroom.

He blinked away some more tears, the steam from the faucet felt warm and wet and cool as it rose and blanketed his neck, chin, cheeks. It felt like a warm caress. Like someone cared, someone knew, someone was listening to what he had been thinking. _I'm gay, fucking gay. Take that, world!_

He grinned. Maybe he'd be okay. He still didn't feel any different, he still thought nachos should be their own food group and that slushies were best used on those who lesser than him. _But no one is lesser than me, I'm a fa-_ He stopped that thought in it's tracks. He was gay. _Not_ a fag.

Once he finished school, got out of Lima, he could be free. Until then, though, he'd tough it out. He'd still be himself, because nothing really changed. He was still himself. Just more. Less. The same. Different. Identical.

_And I'll see you true colors,_

_Shining through._

_I see your true colors_

_And that's why I love you._

_So don't be afraid to let them show._

_Your true colors._

_Your true colors are beautiful..._

_Like a rainbow._

Maybe everything would be alright after all. Maybe he'd make it. Maybe...he'd consider telling some-no. This would be kept as secret as possible. No one could know. _Hummel knows._ But he won't tell.

_Can't remember,_

_When I last saw you laughing._

_If this world makes you crazy._

_You've taken all you can bear,_

_You call me up,_

_Because you know I'll be there..._

Hummel knew. Could he talk to him? Discuss his feelings? No, he wasn't girl. But they could still talk. Maybe talking really did help? He did feel better, still angry, still Dave, still a Hockey player. Maybe saying the words would make him feel different.

Maybe he'd try them out, just once. Maybe admitting them out loud would make the change, more visible. More there. More prominent. More _real._

"I'm..." _Gay. A homo. Can't even say the words, Karofsky? Where're you balls?_

Someone could overhear, even though no one was home. A small part of his mind wondered if the bathroom were bugged, but he scoffed. Why would the bathroom be bugged?

_I'm... "_Gay." _Good job, Karofsky. Now put the two together and form the sentence._

_And I'll see your true colors,_

_Shining through._

_I see your true colors,_

_And that's why I love you._

_So don't be afraid! To let them show,_

_Your true colors._

_True colors._

_True colors._

_Shining through._

_I see your true colors._

_And that's why I love you._

_So don't be afraid to let them show_

_Your true colors._

_True colors are beautiful..._

_Like a...rainbow._

"I'm gay." There. He'd done it. Despite everything, despite all these last years of turmoil, of inner hell, of hatred and violence and bigotry and bullying and thoughtlessness and everything bad he'd ever thought and done, despite all that he still felt the same. Still felt like Dave. Still felt human. Still played hockey. Still hated himself, his whole self.

Still wanted _Humm_-Kurt.


End file.
